You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
