I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have aggressive nipples.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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