Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
