She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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