I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize