I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
