Four minutes until I can fart!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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