He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
