Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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