I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
