My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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