went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
