Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
