i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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