I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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