you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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