If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
