Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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