There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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