just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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