I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize