The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
