Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
