when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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