that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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