Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize