Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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