Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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