You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
