What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
