Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
