It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
