omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
