There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
