He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
