Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
