Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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