All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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