He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
