I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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