Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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