why didn't you poke me back
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
