A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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