no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
