this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
