so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
