Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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