Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
