I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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