I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
