Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
