Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
