a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
