Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
