My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
