We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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