you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
