smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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