i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
