my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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