I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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