dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
