I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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