So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
