I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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