who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
