if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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