Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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