highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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