it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
