I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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