Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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