p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
